FMyLife and Edgar Allan Poe (parody)

If you haven’t already encountered the F My Life website (http://www.fmylife.com), it’s become a very popular site for people to post about the various things that go wrong in their lives (and the F stands for exactly what you expect it does).  All the Fmylife posts follow a particular formula, beginning with the word “Today” and ending with the abbreviation “FML.”

I’ve pasted in a couple of recent posts as samples.

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I’ve been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they’d made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

Anyway, it’s a simple formula, and it seemed very adaptable to Edgar Allan Poe’s short stories, as many of Poe’s protagonists have plenty of reason to exclaim “FML!”  So, here we go. If Edgar Allen Poe wrote for Fmylife.com:

Today, I axed my wife in the brain, hid her corpse behind a wall, and nearly got away with it. Just as the police were leaving my house, my black cat, which I had accidentally entombed alive with my wife, started hideously yowling. FML.

Today, I buried my sister in a vault deep beneath our family mansion. Turns out, she wasn’t really dead. FML.

Today, my friend Montresor invited me over to share a really good glass of Amontillado. When I got there, he chained me up and entombed me behind a wall. I never got to taste the Amontillado. FML.

Today, I was captured by the Spanish Inquisition. They tortured me. FML.

Today, I gave this really awesome party. Everyone was dressed in masks. By the end of the party, everyone was dead. FML.

Today, I killed my friend with the hideous eye, dismembered his corpse, and hid it beneath the floorboards. Just as the police were convinced of my innocence, I started hearing my friend’s still beating heart, which got louder, louder, LOUDER! FML.

Today, as I pondered weak and weary over many a volume of forgotten lore, I heard at my door a tapping, and when I opened it, in walked a stately raven. At first I thought he was cute, but now I can’t get him to leave. And he says the same thing over and over again: “Nevermore.” FML.

From PrematureEjaculation:

Today, my worst fear came true. All my life, I have been terrified of being buried alive, of awakening to find myself encoffined beneath the ground, and this morning I woke up in complete darkness in an enclosed space. I investigated and found wood all around me. I started screaming and kicking and pounding. Turns out, in my befuddled awakening state, I forgot I was onboard a ship. I had merely woken up in my bunk. EVERYONE on board ship heard me kicking and screaming. Now they all call me “Zombie.” FML.

Originally published on the Porridge Cow blog.

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One Response to “FMyLife and Edgar Allan Poe (parody)”

  1. LMFAO THIS IS LEGIT!

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